?

Log in

No account? Create an account
amanda
03 April 2013 @ 06:08 pm
i pray.
i dont pray but now im gonna pray.

i pray that God would make this easier and less painful than it is right now.
cause i really cant take it any more.
its just too painful for any soul to take.
pls just make it all go away...
give me the strength and courage to do what i have to do
although the heart certainly disagrees.

i just wanna slip away..
 
 
amanda
14 March 2013 @ 10:21 pm
we broke up.

its so hard being strong and brave for what's right.
its so hard either way.
and i chose to end it.
i just cant do it...

many many thoughts crossed my mind.

as the friend goes on to find her partner, and possibly a mutual friend,
im gonna be on my own.
left out and lonely.
while they probably become the bestest of friends,
i sit and watch from afar.

im tired..
so tired of always having to constantly fight for things i rightfully deserve
so tired of having to always protect whats mine for fear it gets snatched away

im really tired alr..
really vvvv tired.

just wanna laze around and just walk the world.
i dont wanna let anyone into my life anymore :(
its too tiring.
 
 
amanda
11 March 2013 @ 10:32 pm
make this a quick rant.

ever felt that pple take you for granted?
that your place is being taken over by someone else?
that you no longer hold importance in their lives?
and they no longer fight for their time with you?

yeah..hell yes im feeling and going through all of them.
and all i can say is, im being ripped apart.
but apparently THE friend doesnt get me nor empathise with me.
*shrugs*
when your best friend starts turning into a stranger and you start pondering if giving your all is still worth it now.

differences.
how hard is it for pple to overcome their individual differences?
well..i kinda find it challenging.
pple with different morals and principles;
diff way of doing thing and how they perceive them to be.
and i get frustrated when pple dont understand me.
why. why is it so hard to pple to know each other?
what if one day our thoughts are being displayed above our heads for all to see?
would there be war?

what happens when pple dont reciprocate?
i get super tired in the long run.
feels like im doing all these for nothing.
whatever for, when in your eyes, im always just an option.
 
 
amanda
10 November 2012 @ 05:45 pm
What defines love?

How much you're willing to sacrfice?
How much you're willing to spend on him/her?
How far a distance you're willing to go?
How much shit you're willing to put up with?
How much you're willing to compromise?
How blind you are to flaws and shortcomings?

what.

I was once all of those.
I gave. I compromised. I kept my promises. I put up with all your crappy shits. I tolerated your flaws and shortcomings. I went so great lengths for you. I spent a bomb on you. I sacrificed so much of my time and other tangibles and intangibles on you.
But, at the end of the day, what do i get?
You drifting away, putting your other friends before me and compromising ME for THEM.
You know, it really says a lot.

Yes, people change.
Relationships change.
But the esteem i hold our friendship in, never did. Neither did how i value us.
But i guess things change.

I really feel short changed on this end of the line; giving you so much, putting you first but you never do appreciate.
I guess I've reached my tolerance threshold.
You can disregard me and whatsoever, and I'll just treat you like a normal friend.
We hardly talk or communicate outside of our designated time. What has become of our friendship.

You once meant the world to me and i felt that you're the destination all the past friendships were pointing to.
But now, i guess you're just another Northern star.

"Every long lost dream
Led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
They were like Northern star
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms
This much i know its true
That God bless the broken road
That led me straight to you"


I sincerely once believed...
Memories of us will be kept somewhere deep in my heart.
The you i once treasured.
 
 
amanda
26 September 2012 @ 08:40 am
Days come and go. but right now, i guess im at one of the bottom pits in life.

Things havent been going well and i feel so suffocated, so helpless and desperate. i dont know if im at my wits..
i need help..i need someone to be by my side when i need a listening ear, or a shoulder to lean on. but everytime i turn to people, they're either not there, or cant be bothered to be there. Always there for you; so much for that. instead, the disappointment with their absence adds on to the pressure. its like im going bonkers..i get paranoid. i get mood swings. i get suspicious. i dont trust anymore, cause it gets betrayed over and over again; i dont even know why im abiding my side of the bargain when on the other side of the river bank, something else is going on.

Things at home have been rough. brother went through operation, grandma has breast cancer, parents quarrelled over many things almost every 2 days, im like the new Fatimah at home while the 2 guys just sit there and enjoy life. financially tight and put on weight like nobody's business. a big sigh is insufficient to express my exasperation. im trying so so hard to stay strong. but there are days where i totally just break down and wanna give up.

Trust. i dont know who to trust and believe anymore. everyone seems like selfish 2 faced freaks; hiding things and keeping secrets. if so, why should i naively come clean too? why should i put myself in such a vulnerable position. with each setback im being pushed further and further away, testing my patience, trust and faith. and with each growing setback, i find my uncertainty a larger black hole than before. please dont put me through all these anymore. please end my misery..im very tired always having to live in doubt and competition.

My mind needs a break. i need an escape..from you, from them, from everything. and i know no matter how hard i try, things will never be the same. the you i had, is forever gone. and so i mourn internally, silently, secretly. but somewhere inside, i'll always hold a glimmer of hope for the you to return; when we finally relive our happy moments.

alrights, till then. ciaos.