Days come and go. but right now, i guess im at one of the bottom pits in life.
Things havent been going well and i feel so suffocated, so helpless and desperate. i dont know if im at my wits..
i need help..i need someone to be by my side when i need a listening ear, or a shoulder to lean on. but everytime i turn to people, they're either not there, or cant be bothered to be there. Always there for you; so much for that. instead, the disappointment with their absence adds on to the pressure. its like im going bonkers..i get paranoid. i get mood swings. i get suspicious. i dont trust anymore, cause it gets betrayed over and over again; i dont even know why im abiding my side of the bargain when on the other side of the river bank, something else is going on.
Things at home have been rough. brother went through operation, grandma has breast cancer, parents quarrelled over many things almost every 2 days, im like the new Fatimah at home while the 2 guys just sit there and enjoy life. financially tight and put on weight like nobody's business. a big sigh is insufficient to express my exasperation. im trying so so hard to stay strong. but there are days where i totally just break down and wanna give up.
Trust. i dont know who to trust and believe anymore. everyone seems like selfish 2 faced freaks; hiding things and keeping secrets. if so, why should i naively come clean too? why should i put myself in such a vulnerable position. with each setback im being pushed further and further away, testing my patience, trust and faith. and with each growing setback, i find my uncertainty a larger black hole than before. please dont put me through all these anymore. please end my misery..im very tired always having to live in doubt and competition.
My mind needs a break. i need an escape..from you, from them, from everything. and i know no matter how hard i try, things will never be the same. the you i had, is forever gone. and so i mourn internally, silently, secretly. but somewhere inside, i'll always hold a glimmer of hope for the you to return; when we finally relive our happy moments.
alrights, till then. ciaos.