The Endless Circles

population 1: ME.

2010-03-12T06:37:12Z

oh great. im bored stiff -.-
so here i am, sitting in my humble living room, with the tv switched to disney channel and the wind breaking the silence.

read quite alot of books in the past month;
good ones, awesome ones, heart wrenching ones, sucky ones, boring ones, totally -.- ones.
boy, i've never read so much in my entire life before!
well, maybe when my world only revolved round Enid Blyton.

gained some enlightenment from books with values and morals.
it really wakes you up; makes you break free from your blind fold and see the intangible things.
of course, one should NEVER read ALL the books from the same author at one shot.
it gets boring -.-

so what am i doing now?
*shrugs*
im pretty much bumming around.
occasionally thinking about what's my next step.
still lost and confused i suppose.
oh wells...

i guess im still hopping around;
looking for MY bunny hole that will lead me to wonderland.

grudges.
why do people bear grudges?
isnt it a very energy-consuming thing to do?
just sleep it away / give it a day or two
expand your magnanimity.
learn to accept and compromise.

i guess i got tired of bearing grudges.
it sucks the life outta me; makes everything seem black and white.
i cant sleep, i cant eat, i cant do anything.
worse.
it strains relationships.
so i ask, WHAT FOR?
makes everyone miserable.

just get angry, chill, sleep and let it go.
psyco yourself if you have to.

i saw the light.

okay. i lost my focus on typing and ended up rambling.
back to my tv bahs.
tata!

"Do you know what's worth fighting for
When its not worth dying for..."

SURPRISE!

2010-02-27T13:07:26Z

thanks a million for the pleasant surprise!
i almost wanted to murder you pple for making me WAIT while my lunch turns COLD.
KOREAN FOOD PPLE!
NOT JAP. haha
on the account that you pple were my 'hangers' while i did my shopping, you're hereby FORGIVEN!

thanks for letting me know that i dont only have 1 friend.
thanks for the warmth that you pple drown me in.

didnt cross my mind that you'll actually rmb
cause this year's bd was superbly low key

thanks...for remembering :D

convolutedpaths @ 2010-02-25T08:17:00

2010-02-25T00:17:29Z

why do i even bother feeling angry.

anyone there?

2010-02-22T05:26:40Z

alrighty, here comes a super fu yan update. maybe its the age thing and the growing want for more privacy; happenings only to be shared with the closest friend(s). so the doors to my life is pretty much closed. heh.

okay. a fair amount of stuffs happened during the month, but my memory is kinda failing exponentially; unable to retain the nitty gritty details.
lets just say, i've had a fair share of ups and downs. no, i did not emo. just did my own reflection and learn.

emo.
why do people emo? how is the line drawn between sad and emo?
how often people misunderstand you being sad for being emo?
is it a phase that every teen has to pass through in order to grow and mature?
or is it just a psychological barrier blocking yourself from the rest of the world?

A level results are coming out in approximately 2 weeks' time. at this point in time, im seriously not feeling anything. well okay, maybe just a lil nervous and confused. confused, about how my future will turn out to be.

my mum asked me a few days ago: Have you thought of what to do if you cant get into any uni? (which has a reasonable possibility of happening, unfortunately. c'mon lets face it. im not the brightest of the lot.)
egoistic me just smiled and said, "go SIM lor!"
although i may portray blithe indifference to the situation, but deep down the raw nerve was hit.
but no point thinking and getting myself into a frenzy because what's done is done.

browsing through NUS and NTU webbies left me completely lost because i dont know what i wanna take either.
im still as clueless about what i wanna make outta this life as i was in the beginning.
somebody...
anybody...
give me a sign if you will.

in times like this, im taught to turn to God for answers and comfort.
but it is during times like this, i wonder if anyone above is even listening.

"bye bye ms lee!"

2010-02-01T00:57:41Z

Relief Teaching Summary

the 2.5 weeks of relief teaching has finally come to an end; a closure to my blood boiling moments; a halt to heart melting smiles from the students; a break from arteries clogging meals.

let me just do a summary.
the journey didnt exactly start on the right note; students dao-ed me, teen rebellion and angst ruled their barely filled minds.

first day, teaching was indeed a challenge.
being inexperienced and young, handling a bunch of kids with hormones raging was a ginormous question mark.
but i had pple to guide me along; some on discipline issues, some on academic issues and one, to hear me rant my day away.
i thought i couldnt survive this.

second day was worse. much worse.
left my lappy in my sec 4 class to flash work while i went to staff room to grab the math retest papers.
coming back, only to find my jaw on the floor, nostrils flared and bloodshot eyes pushing their way out like a mother in labour.
THEY FREAKING FLASHED MY PERSONAL PHOTOS ON THE SCREEN. (wtf)
i could have screamed, scolded, show off my wide range of vocabulary.
but no, i kept cool.
not wanting to do work was bad enough, coupled with high decibels producing mouths, the class morphed into a war site of some sort.
chen then came over to lecture them (as if i werent feeling lousy enough about their behavior)
a quick apology back in the staff room and i shrunk back into my depressed shell for the whole day.
i had no idea how to get pass the remaining 2 weeks :(

second week got slightly better.
i opened up to the kids more; trying to make myself most approachable.
i always wondered why the other pig has nice classes to teach while i kena-ed the *pukes* ones.
but anw, time reveals all things.
got Fitri help me out with 4N; honestly, a HUGE burden off my back.

phy class was oh-my-tian.
i had no idea how the hell to teach phy because to me, science at their level, is memorising and a teeny weeny bit application.
i TAUGHT, they TALKED.
brilliant -.-

my express classes were generally okay :)
a few jokers here and there, but the overall experience with them was pleasant.
i've never felt more respected as a teacher in those classes as compared to the rest.
ah wells. tell me im not biased.

3T. OMFG.
they're really the hardcore trainers of the virture 'PATIENCE' man.
the guys smoked, the girls looked and the others joked.
i have gorillas (i have a reason for choosing this species of primeapes) constantly running outta class
showing off their oh-so-'gorgeous' boxers. worse, ANG KONG. -.-lll
but things settled a lil towards the end of the week though mainly because the alpha male kena-ed the pink form (na na ni pu pu!)
a way to bribe them into listening to my lesson?
chocolates.
yes, every child is a slave to the teeth-decaying matter which we all call, CANDY.

third week!
LAST WEEK ALR! WHOO HOO~~
got a lil bit closer to 4N; pple start calling me 'amanda' instead of 'ms lee'
the guys started to joke and the girls gossiped.
with the mere slight difference in age, i had troubles maintaing my 'teacher' status in the classroom.
but insults came in, and honestly, im not very good at taking insults
plus the mood swinging like monkeys on trees, i've stumbled upon the urge to wellow in self pity.
nevertheless, my big ego kept me going with my head held high; not wanting to get pinned down by words from a few losers.

for the first time, i lectured my 3E class.
why?
because half the class didnt do their homework.
"EXPRESS CLASS AND YOU'RE BEHAVING LIKE MY SEC 3 TECHNICAL CLASS. WHAT KINDA ATTITUDE IS THIS!"
it sure felt good to let off some steam.
but the anger was only temporary.

2E and 3T were alright.
both equally noisy.
talk about the destruction of vocal cords.

now, the LAST DAY at school. YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!
okay the day started out with 3T.
gave them a few questions to do and it was photo taking time!
damn joke lah.
got one guy's shorts kena pulled down while taking photo with me.
hilarious shit.
mujip asked for a hug but errr...i'd rather not. lols

then it was 2E.
the other pig came along so that she can DISCREETYLY give out chocs to selected few which apparently failed terribly,
considering the fact that the kids sniffed out chocs like police dogs with drugs.
got a lil pissed off cause they werent paying attention to what i needed to do with them.
THEY MADE CARDS! :)
the girls were damn sweet. haha
more arms-grabbing and loadsa hugs from the kids (yes, both boys and girls).
they made my heart melt for a moment before it solidified back.
then, the bell rang.
time for goodbyes and whatevernots.
i left with a heavy heart and "i love you ms lee! pls come back!" resonating my ears.
i'll miss you too.

next up was 3E.
whooo. half an hour only, so i collected homework and tada!
SLACK TIME.
the girls took my cam to go zi lian and took videos.
haha girls *shakes head*
took out my box of 'Merci' chocs for them.
seriously, the 'slave' analogy applies to ALL SEC STUDENTS irregardless of their streams.
a few hugs before i left.
yeah. goodbyes once again.

last was 4N.
OMFG. the MOST dramatic one zzz!!!
i had 2 girls crying over my departure. HAHA!
was super at a loss i tell ya.
a few guys asked about relief teaching and the minumum requirement.
some blatantly asked "cher! N levels can anot?"
obviously NO!
if you cant even get pass Os, which school would wanna hire you, you tell me.
so, BACK TO YOUR BOOKS CHILDREN.
bought Toblerone for them and once again, the analogy applies.
an eeyore, sprayed with my current brand of perfume and a personalised thingy to hang on the phone was given to me.
thanks. really.
didnt really take photos with the class though. but oh wells...

back to the staff room and sank in my chair for the last time.
the air con, the printing machines and the teachers.
great experience i've had.

i think i've learnt alot in this short 2.5 weeks.
being once (and still is) a student and then a teacher for a while, i see things from different lights.
i've learnt that everyone isnt like me and i cannot set expectations for them similar to mine.
flexibility. yes.
and not forgetting, PATIENCE.
gosh, i've always thought kids were a handful.
they still are! not that i've changed THAT perspective of them.
but they can be nice to get along with once you find that gold underneath the THICK layer of dung.

so, do i want to be a teacher when im out in the working world?
honestly, i havent found my answer to that question yet.
not sure if my passion for teaching is flaming like the sun in the bright sky. (cliche shit -.-)
but im positive that its not cold like the remains on the sea bed of the antartic.
i'll continue to search for a place where i belong
and i'll let the world know once i've found my rightful place :)

okay miscellaneous!
OH GAWD.
everyday is Arteries Clogging Day.
do i even have to list the junk the pig and i ate EVERYDAY?
not forgetting, the newest member of the Grow Fat Association, intro-ed us MORE food to catalyse our entry into NKF.
bravo.
badminton, in attempt to shed the overflowing fats.
i kinda think we failed miserably cause we never failed to put back those calories immediately after, and worse, in surplus.
but hey, no qualms about it because quality time is spent :)

okay i suppose thats about all for summary.
imagine a detailed entry. gosh.
i'd be able to write a thousand word essay!
photos galore the next time round.
so for now, settle with the words!

till then, tata!

another year that came and went

2010-01-24T01:53:23Z

Thank you all for the well wishes.

Thank you all for the time spent.

Thank you, for the present.

Thank you, for being there.

im not crazy im just a little unwell

2010-01-19T11:47:59Z

a challenging week i've been through. quite a number of ups and downs i must say.
but the experience is ever so satisfying :)

the day didnt quite end on the right note, leaving me feeling a little out of place
something about my classes today that didnt feel right
tsk. but i cant quite put a finger to it either

well whatever it is, i'll survive till the end
as much as i want to throw in the towel, i'll hang on
i know im not cut for it
but for now, i'll just give my best

alrights. till then. ciaos.

all time fav :)

2010-01-11T01:36:19Z

*melts*
:)))

feels like insomnia oh~~~

2010-01-10T00:19:44Z

its been 10 days into the new year!
WOW.

alright. the 10 days were pretty much okay.
i dont know, but i've seem to grown a little in my thinking. haha
pple i needed to let go, i let go.
things i needed to understand, i understood.
stuffs that i usually emo about, i dont anymore.

cool eh :)

a whole new perspective i've taken
it kinda makes living easier than it was
the load isnt that heavy
my mind doesnt think that much either

so in summary,
i've been pretty cheery
kudos! :)

SHOPPING!
yes omg.. *looks at wallet*
been shopping for clothes that i NEED
going to and fro between orchard, sommerset, cityhall and bugis
i think i spent around 400 bucks? HAHA *applause*
time to start saving for the itouch heh! :)

INSOMNIA!
no, not the damn song -.-
havent been sleeping well lately
toss and turn and the cycle repeats
the earliest time i actually K.O and sleep is like what? 2am.
and then i auto wake up at 730 zzz
5h of sleep. sian thats like my duration during school time
i forsee worse case of insomnia to come

alrighty.
the future may be unknown
but im taking each step with a positive mindset
guess im starting to outgrow the emo emo thing
haha

kays. tata for now~

and another chapter starts all over...

2009-12-31T13:28:10Z

WHAT?! ITS THE LAST DAY OF 2009 ALREADY?! oh mannnnnnnnn...

i wouldnt say 2009 was the best year i've ever had in my life, but i wouldnt say its the worst either. 2009 has its fair share of ups and downs; sorrow laughter. sadly, a few people walked out of my life. but thankfully, many more walked in :) i always felt that my life is super melodramatic. this year is no exception. haha but hey, i survived :)

What crazy things i did in 2009
i played overnight mahjong and didnt sleep the next day either
i ate crazy mixtures of sauces, courtesy of SOMEONE
i skipped physics lecture MANY MANY TIMES XD
i camped in library studying from 10am to 9pm
i cried for 4 days straight
i starved for 3 days, not a single food down the throat!
i got cheated down to some stupid job thingy
i went all the way to bishan library just to read breaking dawn

guess i cant think of more.haha

Lessons learnt
#1 Dont let your world revolve around only 1 person
because when that person leaves, your world is gonna crumble; break asunder.
you'll lose all there is to life
you'll be nothing more than a living corpse
you'll have to pick up the pieces yourself
reality check *knock knock*

#2 Not everyone is like you. Deal with it.
to some promises are meant to be broken; not everyone keeps em i guess.
some have principles that clash with yours
others have different beliefs
how?
deal with it.

#3 Words dont weigh much unless you mean it
you can say so much but mean so little
actions speak louder than words, or so i believed it to be
say what you really mean, even if the truth hurts
execute them if you're truely sincere

#4 Dont make someone a priority in your life when you're only an option in theirs
is it worth it?
making someone your top priority when you're nothing more than a spare change
is it worth it?
paying 100 bucks for something that is only worth a dollar
is it worth it?
going the extra mile when someone is only willing to go that metre

#5 You can never have the best of both worlds
what happens when you're stuck with a choice between 2 people/situations/things?
who/which/what will you forgo?
how are you gonna deal with the consequences?

#6 Give out of compassion and not seek anything in return
after all, the joy in giving does not only apply to christmas :)

#7 Be yourself
often in life we lose sight of who we are
often in life we lose sight of where we are going
even though at times we need to be flexible; to accomodate our surroundings
but always retain your own essence
lose yourself and you lose everything
remember who you are.

okays. a few overdue photos.

my packed room! AMAZING HUH! lols

time can be so cruel; changing the people around us.
some barely figuring out who you are. others, beyond recognition.

so people ask me: Are you looking forward to the new year?
honestly, im not.
like Alice(from twilight saga), i cant see the future with the wolves around.
i cant see my own future.
i dont know where im heading
i dont know what my future beholds for me
i dont know what i'll lose
everything is blur and cloudy
and my lousy sense of direction aint helping at all

new year.
more people are gonna change
element of surprise?
if applied to this case, i hate it.
im afraid to losing people
im afraid i wont be able to recognize the people dear to me
im afraid...

but hey. this doesnt mean the new year will stop coming right. 2 more hours to 2010. suck it up and deal with it. time to grow up. stay strong amanda...stay strong.

no countdown
no company
no party
no nothing

its just me and my lappy
im not complaining
im not emoing
im simply dealing with it

My resolution for the new year:
to stay alive,mentally.
to be stronger than i am now
to face each day courageously
to continue giving, unconditonally

i suppose thats all i wanna say for this year.

have a great year ahead peeps!
i'll see you pple next year.
after all, its just 2 hours away :)

"I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult the calendar."
- Robert Brault

convolutedpaths @ 2009-12-28T23:49:00

2009-12-28T15:49:14Z

SUPER FUCKED UP.

it's that time of the year again

2009-12-24T19:05:45Z

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

"ding dong merrily on high, the christmas bells are ringing. ding dong h'ven and earth reply, the angels' voices singing..."

yes yes. christmas is here once again.

this year's xmas didnt really have much feel to me though.
perhaps its due to the fact that im not participating in anything this year :/
and definitely due to the fact that i lost connection with the catholic faith

xmas never failed to hold a special meaning for me
its a time where i conclude my entire year, sit down and reflect
its a time where i re-bond with the pple whom i've lost contact with
its a time where i seek the courage to forgive the pple who had trespassed me
its a time where i thank the one above for the many blessings in my life

xmas; a season not to give the perfect gift, but the joy in simply giving.
after all, God gave his son for us.

along the way, pple took advantage of the spirit of giving and tada!
CONSUMERISM
what a material world indeed!

as the various forms of social networks are filled with cliche 'all i want for christmas is you' etc
all I want for christmas is for dear ones to find their smile; for them i'd go the extra mile
and that time will heal all hearts
and relief the weary souls
~~and maybe shiny jewels~~ :P

live not in the shallow waters
but seek wisdom in what's beyond

shall end the post with this

"A bowl of vegetables with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate."
- Proverbs 15:17

all time fav xmas songs #1

2009-12-20T04:40:19Z

Thankful
Josh Groban

Somedays we forget
To look around us
Somedays we can't see
The joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give.

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Look beyond ourselves
There's so much sorrow
It's way too late to say
I'll cry tomorrow
Each of us must find our truth
It's so long overdue

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And every day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Even with our differences
There is a place we're all connected
Each of us can find each other's light

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more

There's so much to be thankful for

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so, what are you thankful for this christmas?

Teen Angst!

2009-12-18T16:25:50Z

Im starting to feel so angry all the time. The amount of rage I have within; the lack of patience and tolerance is catalyzing the eruption of the internal volcano. Maybe I’ve had enough of tolerating. Maybe I want to do things MY way now. Maybe I just want to have some peace.

I don’t understand why people cant just let me do my own things at my own time, own pace. Im not causing them any hindrance nor disturbances, so why cant they just LEAVE ME ALONE! GRRR!!!

Feeling super angst and anal about everything. Guess this is another part of my life.

The Rebellion 2.

5 days get-away

2009-12-17T17:29:11Z

as the title obviously suggests, this is gonna be about my get-away!

hmmm..nothing awesomely/interestingly/awfully stunning things happened lah. everyday is just eat eat eat and MORE eating. oh am gee...i now shiver at the sight of food. im gonna avoid buffets for a while man. after my poor singaporean DEPRIVED FRIEND has her buffet with me. to other pple whom i have buffet dates aligned, SORRY BUT YOU GUYS GOTTA WAIT! haha at least lemmi shed some fats first before i continue embarking on the arteries-clogging mission aka courting my own death.

what is the biggest shou huo of this trip? definitely NOT shopping -.- i didnt even get what i wanna buy luh! what kinda shopping is THAT man. i didnt even come back with new clothes for the new year! grrr.. am heading back to town for my shopping spree. totally! anw, biggest shou huo, it's gotta be making a new friend :) going on a trip with a person around your age is hundred times fold fun-ner than going with oldies, apart from the fact that i prolly need them for my financial inflow. FRIENDS! lets go overseas man! crappp, now i dont even feel like working anymore. HAHA!

k lah. enough of words. some pics to do the talking. not alot though, cause my phone's batt CONSTANTLY went flat when i didnt even TOUCH it. -.-

you're suppose to see a bear leaning on the tree. but if you see something else, thats at your own risk.

ipoh tree

the view outside one of the hotels that i stayed in :)
some super humongous cave! bro asked so many ques that it totally challenged my knowledge on the formation of caves/pillars etc. talk about weathering. i think my geog knowledge just underwent physical/chemical/biological weathering over the 2 years -.-

k lah. nothing much to comment on this trip.

missed everyone! ^^

stupid, YEO WEIYING! HOW CAN YOU PPLE ORGANIZE GATHERING WITHOUT ME! GRRRR! thats it man. the bad karma is gonna prevent you from having big eyes! ROAR!

prom photos and other overdue photos another time :)

till then, ciaos!

another christmas without you

school? what's school?

2009-12-11T10:07:40Z

finally i get a breather from all the mad rush; some myself-time to sit down quietly in the evening and blog :)

PROM IS FINALLY OVER! omg. prom can be sucha heavy burden on the shoulders sometimes. esp when you know you havent finished shopping for your own stuffs and still need to rush some other stuffs for other pple. totally insane. but im glad i can breathe now. haha

prom was....hmmm.how should i put it. once is enough. haha fascinating how much wonders makeup can do to females ( considering the fact that not many guys actually put on makeup ). prom was a night where you play the GUESS-WHO-IS-WHO game. some were okay, the rest were beyond recognition. most of the guys pretty much dressed in tux. BORING! haha camwhore here and there (not much on my cam though). STONED 3/4 of the time. testing of patience while waiting for the food to announce its arrival. overall, it was okay lah.

post prom. OMFG. i got so impatient that i wanna scream. my feet was hurting beyond shit, and we had to stand and wait for like god knows how long, to get into butter fac. not mentioning the hiccup we had just to get there. then when we got in, its so packed, we couldnt even get proper seats to rest our poor, tortured feet. dont really like crowded places. so, having pple squeezing here and there is a major turn off. zzz drinking mates! next time wanna go club, pls go at some ulu time of the year hor! provided you can get seats, otherwise its a NO NO for me. gosh. the reason why i dont club.

im still slowly trying to grasp the fact that i finished A levels. holy shit, we're growing up FAST! still pretty awed at the fact that i dont need to stare at lecture notes and worry about tutorials for quite a while. hehe. let me indulge in this temporal tranquility and serenity, before tony lee takes the results and smacks it in my face; inner world shattering. so till then...its HAHA time.

job...job...job...well, im still looking around. probably start work next year bahs. dec is quite packed. impossible to squeeze time out to work. any lobang? HAHA. the most i go ntuc buy tissue and go hawker sell, pretending im blind or something. shang lian ah! if i SEE you and you dont buy, im gonna spank your asses and you can go be baboons in the zoological gardens, ironically. but let me have my break first :)

PRISON BREAK TMR! haha im getting away for a week! whooo hoooo! not excited over the itinerary, but the mere fact that im going away. though some stuffs and pple i cant bear to leave behind and wished they're with me, im still gonna get my get-away! hopefully parents dont give me shit during the week, if not i'll come back a whole lot grumpier and pick fights with everyone. lols

from here on, things and ppl'll probably change. being mentally prepared for the future; brace the heart for future fragmentization. as much as i want time to stop and change to not occur, i know that thats an absurd want and life'll go on. i am afraid of losing the things i hold dear to me. i am afraid that i dont recognize anyone anymore. i am afraid that i dont remember. yes, im not a person without fear. but i gotta keep moving forward, because we're all on a one way street.

my friend said something that sparked my thoughts. yes, dont groan. thats what happens when i have loadsa time on my hands. "You used to be the most daring one in our group! what happened to you?" guess i lost my guts over the years. it just dawned on me how much i've changed. perhaps more tamed. bluntly? timid. but who cares. i dont need to be 'brave' to make friends. as long as i dont breech my morals and principles, i pretty much dont care what others say. freedom of speech; there's nothing you can do about it and so ignorance is a bliss.

before i forget, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO XUE XUE, THE OLD AND DAD!
plus JERALDINE! in advance since i wont be around on her birthday.
the month of december is a total financial sucker.

i'll be back on the 18th!
KBOX DATES PEEPS! :)

"sometimes life just seems like chapters of goodbyes"

HELLO DECEMBER!

2009-12-01T02:29:45Z

Like a star in the night sky

OH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! EXAMS ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OVER!!!

haha im finally back from my hiatus (sh and P, stop complaining about me not updating!).
gosh..exam period was super omfg; the stress, the gan jiongness, the atmosphere, the DRAG force, how time crawls, the people etc
seriously, exam period is as though you're in purgatory; studying period before exams was hell and after is heaven :)

how were the papers? to all who said the papers were 'super easy', 'a piece of cake', 'close both eyes also can do', 'easy peasy' etc etc......EAT SHIT. -.- sometimes humbleness can also be the best policy.
i bet God's ears must have gone deaf hearing students cursing the minute they saw the papers.
no wonder he couldnt hear my prayers; must be the age =X

hands were on the verge of being mutilated during the process. fingers cramped in the same writing position for 3 hours. butts growing more tender due to the long hours of marinating. eyes getting crossed from over focusing on the same lines over and over again, assuring yourself that you fully understood the sentence and didnt misread it. THANKS ALOT MOE. -.-

the process of studying can be uber mundane but thank god i have awesome friends for company :)
and also friends who KEPT STUFFING ME WITH FOOD, catalysing the marinating of the butt. lols
nevertheless, thoughts appreciated, gratitude kept in my heart.
couldnt survive without you pple :)
something i'll definitely miss about studying.

the exam jitters seriously got the better of me. not only does it haunts me during the day, it terrorizes in the night too.
weird dreams during the span of 1 month. lets see.

Dream #1
dreamt that samdy was doing a chem ques on _____. then i was emoing cause i failed my chem yada yada yada. woke up in another dream, so i was dreaming that i was dreaming that i failed chem. get it? HAHA

Dream #2
dreamt that i met theresa and yue an in AJ's school hall. thats quite random cause i havent seen them in AGES and both arent in AJ. so yes, the school hall only had 3 rows filled with students taking the phy paper. the ques came in foolscap like, all compiled and tearable. papers didnt write which year was it, nor the paper number. haha so i had to peek over to see which paper to do. best, we could listen to ipod while doing the paper. must be the long hours of music blasting during the day,

Dream #3
dreamt that i couldnt finish my phy mcq in time!!!!! ahhhhhhh!!! when the examiner said "PENS DOWN", i realised i still have half the paper undone! omfg! it took me a while upon waking up to realise its just a dream. lol

Dream #4
LAST NIGHT! i dreamt about the end of the world. pple were being evacuated. samdy refused to leave but i made her do so. then xue xue decided to stay. funny, but i went to buy blueberry donuts -.- then the stall owner told me to hand a recording device to 2 teens. the teens played the recording and realised its their mum singing. i think its her own composition bahs, about how sorry she is and that they'll have to leave without her etc. quite sad actually. the nitty gritty details i cant remember lah, obviously. this is just the gist of it.

bad dreams can finally go away cause good dreams are here to stay! up till results day, that is.

MOVIES MOVIES MOVIES!
YESSSSS.... cant wait to go out and soak in the new air of liberation!
so many things to do, so many many pple to catch up with. :)

but like sh said, after As, a whole new set of problem arises.
yes. gosh. the tangles i WILLINGLY neglected and remained unsolved.
lets not go into that for today.

for now, its prom prom prom all the way! :)
better start my running. HAHA!

it seems so surreal

FarewellGoodbyeAdios

2009-10-16T12:55:55Z

Farewell Assembly;
goodbyes are the hardest things to say.
but
it marks the start of a new beginning.

time crawled, brisked and zoomed past. in a blink of an eye, the days in AJC has come to an end; a closure to the 18 months here. images flashed through my mind like a movie playing in the theatres. its like watching my own life video. a short summary of my days in this little gold mine called Anderson Junior College.

J1
i vividly remember that time when i told sharlene how i felt when i came to aj for choir auditions. there was something different about how i felt about the school...something special; a feeling that i didnt have while i was in NY. even though i didnt make it through the dsa auditions, sub-consciously i knew i'll be back in aj eventually.

so you guessed it. i landed up in aj despite it not being my first choice of school. initial days were relatively okay, until the resilience workshop around second month into the new term. conflicts arose and bitterness somehow became the only flavour around. the amount of politics was more than sufficient to prepare me for a post at the White House in the states. i thought i could survive on my own, not needing any friends. i even psycho-ed myself that its just a mere 2 years, i can do this without anyone standing by me. but each time something happened, i felt so miserable till an extent where the heart and eyes overflowed. you have no idea. then the situation in choir wasnt getting any better cause they just came back from the italy trip and everyone had their own small cliques. socialising was like asking me to move mountains. yes.

towards the end of the year, things got better and i found new friends in people whom i thought i'd be with last in the world. a classic example of changing tides eh. expect the unexpected.

it was the beginning of many beautiful friendships.

J2
things started off pretty ok. choir was awesome with everyone slogging out their guts for syf preparation.i think i see the choir mates more then i see my classmates. days with cca can easily end at 8 plus, but we all enjoyed ourselves generally. then there was the acapella thingy. it has always been my dream to perform on stage in front of a large crowd and so i pluck up that a whole lot of courage i had within, stepped forward and wala! i ended up singing the melody line for mass civics during asthetics week. then we were asked to sing for AJ's 25th Anniversary Concert @ Republic Poly's cultural centre. singing with min huay, evelyn, teng hui and jon tan was one of the best experiences i've had in my 18 years of life. for the first time, we looked deep into the piece, thought of the dynamics to do and practiced basically wherever we went! the power of music was so powerful that even the pple around us had the song stuck in their heads :)

those were the beautiful memories i'll never ever forget.

friendships fostered. bonds grew. i realised that the group never failed to have conficts on each of our birthdays. funny how we can be a teeny weeny bit childish at times. but there were moments where we just laugh heads off at each other's stupidity and simply being ourselves. only missing things when they're gone? perhaps.

but most importantly, i found an awesome friend amidst all the heart aches and grey skies. one of the best.

so much memories, so much emotions, so many things to say. i dont know where to start. certain things i wanna say to certain pple but am afraid that i'll be put off. some apologies, that i fear may not be accepted.

really dont want things to end so soon. too much memories, too dear. how do i go on from here...

time's trial starts from now.
are we all up to it?
will we succumb to temptations?
will we throw in the towel?
will we wave the white flag?

time is of the essence.
cherish whatever there is

no regrets.

good luck peeps for the upcoming As.
ace it pple! :)

"sometimes goodbye
though it hurts in your heart
is the only way for destiny

sometimes goodbye
though it hurts is the only now
for you and me

though its the hardest thing to say
i'll miss your love in every way

so say goodbye
but dont you cry
cause true love never dies"

who you are to me..

2009-10-06T07:41:18Z

i finally put a name to the indescribable nostalgia i've been having for the past week. conclusion? its the graduation feeling. yes. its the feeling where the major exams are arriving and following that, friends bid farewell. not knowing where we'll go, how we'll all turn out to be, what the future beholds for us, or how friendships will become. dont really like that feeling cause it makes me feel even more vulnerable to emotional setbacks than i already am. goodbyes are the hardest things to say. really.

someone once told me that there's a season to everything. summer, winter spring; sports season; love season; friendship season etc. because there's a season, it means nothing lasts. well. i wouldnt dare deny cause like ups and downs, there's a season to everything. as much as i wanna deny a season to friendship, i have to agree that there are ups and downs. but i believe that downs dont mean termination of friendship or permanent ignorance of each other's existence. in simplistic terms, things just arent as high and exciting as always. if everyday and everytime things are exciting, soon you'll start equating exciting to boring. an example of words from different worlds overlapping. sometimes its not that bad enjoying the silence together and just appreciating each other's company :)

i treasure friendships more than anything else. its a lifetime investment; a gamble im willing to take.

reciprocal?

what matters most...

2009-10-02T16:58:49Z

wow..time flies. its the month of october already.perry's been complaining that i havent updated my blog for a super long time. haha

lets see. 2 weeks. prelims came and went. what can i say? i tried, i hoped and im back to where i started. but lets not go into there; i can crap an entire post based on my grumbles about exams. all i can i say is, thank god for friends by my side who constantly gave me encouragements, support and loads of TLC :) what would i do without them.

loads happened and i dont know where to begin. conflicts, misunderstandings, tears, fatigue, frustration, rage, i-dont-wanna-care times, memorable moments, cherished relations, positive atmosphere, awesome times. extreme ends eh... haha rather emotionally drained, but i suppose some things are simply worth it :)

i think being sick comes together with a nostalgic feeling. its like a package thingy. i get this super familiar feeling. hmmm..how do i put it. just a familiar feeling that i felt a long time ago. it just mysteriously came back a few days ago. still lingering. maybe it'll be gone when i recover over the weekends :)

UNFORTUNATELY, A levels are like 30 plus days away. serious, its so surreal that im about to take the A levels and enjoy the long awaited liberation before i brace myself to face the aftermath probably in april. it seems like only yesterday i took my Os. time sure took its time to CRAWL. haha i dont know how things will turn out and i certainly dont know what my future will be like. but i guess all i can do now, is to study and give it my best shot. those in the same boat, JIAYOUS!!! twin: DONT YOU DARE GIVE UP. smack you left right center ah.

oh.there are some pple who blatantly flaunt their grades on facebook and it kinda irks me. maybe im having sour grapes. but hey, cant pple just be humble? there's like this guy who posted " B...what a lousy grade. 1 more mark to an A!" wtf. sometimes, pple like him can jolly well burn in hell or something. may they get strangled by their own notes. talk about man's destruction by their own hands.

kk, enough of ranting. some shots from the past few days! :)

survival kit!

sexy RAD ferrari! :P

A.S.S

YJ flexing this muscles. or is it fats.HAHA!

they were playing SUKIYAKI! boy do i miss my acapella singing.

hehe. self explanatory.

jon was super high. you shouldve totally seen him LIVE. hilarious shit.

" Leap of Faith"

:D

if only we had more time to stop in our tracks and appreciate nature like this gorgeous sunrise :)

more ranting...

okay even if you're joking, i dont think im on the same frequency as you to share the same magnitude of humour you possess. there are certain things i dont joke about and there are certainly some topics i dont drag into a joke. -.- perhaps you didnt mean it and perhaps you meant every single word. maybe im fortunate to have someone like _____. maybe ______ stayed outta pity. you may be right, you may be wrong. and i believe i know my own friend better than you do. i dont think you're in any position to comment, let alone crushing my ego. maybe it was a question you asked that caught me dumbfounded and thus the unsatisfied feeling. " what makes you think you deserve such a good friend?" you could have just shut up. the world is peaceful when you keep quiet.

special thanks to Perry! for listening to me when no one else was around. for simply walking in my shoes and whined together with me about academics. for the countless encouragements you've given me. work hard together! lets hope we'll make it :)

i miss ajchoir. i really do. i miss the company, the music, the singing, the bimboticness. i miss kwei. i miss the nice nice chords. i miss blending with the other sections. i miss screaming my lungs out just to hit the last note on the keyboard. i miss our random singing sessions outside choir room. i miss Water Night! nostalgic. yes.

i guess nostalgic moments have gotta wait. i think i'm gonna have a super big void in me when i leave aj. too much too dear.

I only have that much time left…

current fav :)

2009-09-12T02:13:50Z

I Look To You
Whitney houston

As I lay me down,
heaven hear me now.
I'm lost without a cause
after giving it my all.

Winter storms have come
and darkened my sun.
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to?

[Refrain]
I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
in you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
in you I hear a song.
I look to you.

About to lose my breathe,
there's no more fighting left,
Sinking to rise no more,
searching for that open door.

And every road that I've taken
lead to my regret.
And I don't know if I'm going to make it.
Nothing to do but lift my head

[Refrain]
I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
in you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
in you I hear a song.
I look to you.

My levees are broken
My walls have come
tumbling down on me

The rain is falling.
Defeat is calling.
I need you to set me free.

Take me far away from the battle.
I need you.
Shine on me.

[Refrain]
I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
in you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
in you I hear a song.
I look to you.

from the start...

2009-09-09T17:16:24Z

okay. a brief update.

basically the prelims started. GP was...erm. im just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best.

it'll be mug mug mug and grow fat from now on.
ahhh...i feel the fats wobbling already.
lets see...3 months not running?
tell me about it man...

parents and bro are going overseas tmr. YESSSSSS!!!! HOME ALONE! HURRAYYYY!!!! gosh. its the best liberation. i could use some time alone, without any disturbance and stuff. i cant wait. 3 days! pple, feel free to come over and disturb me. what a contradiction. lols

prelims gonna continue next week. things are gonna get pretty intense. i dont know how im gonna handle all these. but i guess i just gotta try and see how things go. good luck aint good enough. i need a miracle.

to those on the same SHIP: mug hard! and pray harder.

a few stuffs i needa rant about so yes. here goes.

#1

if you think im such an unlucky shit, then dont bother having me around. seriously, enough is enough. i cant stand it when you're CONSTANTLY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO freaking unreasonable. yes, i try to be patient. but trust me, you're pushing it. i have many other things that are much more worthy of my patience than you. im just wasting my own resources.

#2

totally, i have no idea how i should react. say something and yet mean something else. disappointed? guilty? i think i feel more naive and guillible above all. to think i actually believed and wanted to make things better for you. to think i actually felt guilty for not being able to promise you anything cause i know i wont be able to keep them. seriously, i feel so stupid. cheated? perhaps. i have only myself to blame.

#3

thanks for trying to hold my world in place when it was falling apart. i wouldnt know what to do without you.

#4

you. of all people, you disappoint me the most. perhaps subconsciously i've known it all along, just that i refused to accept it and kept hoping; deluding and deceiving myself.dramatic as people may say, but i really shattered into pieces. the pain was so real that i couldnt believe it. its as though i ran at high speed and crashed into a solid wall without retarding, and then realised i just rammed into a wall. pain and realisation literally. you snapped me back to reailty. you forced me to see the face of truth. what else can i say? thanks?i really dont know. dont say those words to me anymore. i get what you're trying to say. and i know what i should do. sorry for over-estimating myself.

5#

i know no more.

~~Just another random person~~

random

2009-09-09T10:48:40Z

How to Be Compatible With Aquarius

Aquarius rules the sun from approximately January 20 to February 18. Aquarius is a masculine, fixed air sign. That makes Aquarius direct, energetic, resistant to change, intellectual, communicative, humanitarian, unconventional and sometimes detached. Aquarians are perfectors and finishers. They spend a lot of time in their heads, and many of them are geeks.

Instructions

1. Step 1

Aquarius is one of the most giving, generous signs of the zodiac. Make sure you don't mention things you want or need unless you really desire them, because Aquarius will probably find a way to get them for you.

2. Step 2

Many Aquarius folks are geeks. You can look to them for help with your computer, or your cell phone, or even adapting a recipe. They have technical minds and enjoy using them.

3. Step 3

Aquarius may be unaware of any moods you're going through. You'll have to speak up, and you'll have to say exactly what you want and need, because they can't figure it out on their own.

4. Step 4

Take your Aquarius to the movies and to concerts. They love entertainment, even museums. Especially if it's something that makes them think. Their brains are their second favorite toys.

5. Step 5

Aquarius can be a bit melodramatic when stressed, and they can be the hypochrondiacs of the zodiac. Be patient with them. Do what you can to ease the stress. If your Aquarius gets moody, let them have their space. Don't take it personally, odds are it has nothing to do with you. Encourage them to talk, but if they don't want to, let it go.

Tips & Warnings

Aquarius isn't the most romantic sign of the zodiac, but it isn't because they don't care. They are incredibly loyal, and if they're committed to something or someone, they follow through.
Aquarius spends a lot of time in their heads. Nobody is better at building dream castles in the air. They may need help to bring things into reality.

from www.ehow.com

just something i randomly found on the web.
proper post when i've got the time.

till then. ciaos.

old/new

2009-08-30T04:37:31Z

the weekends came and the weekends are about to go. i really really really hope time can stop passing so quickly.

the week has been...frustrating. not so many ups this week, but the downs were quite a few. overall, this week was...a major downpour; literally and figuratively.

prelims are starting next week and i dont feel the least confident nor prepared for it. maybe i havent put in enough effort. hmmm..but efforts dont always pay off. well, it never did pay off anytime within the 2 years. except for retest. doubting my abilities and capabilities is inevitable. im sure the teachers have their grey clouds about me too. but im really trying...i dont dare to promise anyone anything, because i dont want to disappoint anyone. i dont want to give others hope, dont want to give myself hope and then watch myself fall to my death again. im not a cat, i dont have 9 lives to spare.

but nevertheless, im still trying.

on a totally random and anti-climax note from the above paragraphs, THE NEW IPOD SOFTWARE IS TOTALLY AWESOMEEEEE!!!!! oh my f tian! must really thank jenna. haha gosh, if it wasnt for her who shed some light on my tech noob-ness, i'd still be groaning and moaning over my boring ipod. haha now the ipod is FLOODED with applications. but in the process of upgrading the system, ALL MY SONGS WERE GONE. yes.. G-O-N-E! *makes a big fuss about it* but, pro me managed to download about 250 plus new songs and filled up half of what i had originally. yayness! =)

old songs gone. new songs in the house.
which brings me to my next point.

perhaps its a sign for a new beginning. perhaps its time i let go of the 'old songs' and welcome the new ones into my life. perhaps its time i changed my outlook on life and change myself a little bit. why the sudden inspiration? thanks to the ipod.

不属于你的东西，永远都不会是你的
得不到，倒不如祝福你快乐
愿你永远的开心，永远的快乐

虽然我知道，我在你眼里没什么地位
我也不奢望你对我有什么回报
但是，我只想让你知道
我对你的付出是发自内心的，100% 诚恳的

现在唯一能做的，就只是在你背后默默的支持你，为你加油
请你不要放弃
加油，xxx ！

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

那些话，我都听过了好几百遍
但每一个所说过的，却都不遵守诺言

说我害怕也好，胆小也罢
但我真的没有勇气再让自己去相信，让自己再受一次的伤害

得到就一定要失去吗？
难道‘永远’这两个字真的不存在吗？

不敢再想那么多了
让自己越想，自己就感到越疲倦

朋友，别担心
对你的承诺，我是不会食言的
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i'll walk on bravely, enduring this treacherous path
i dont know whether i'll fail or prevail at the end
but like what people alway say, its the process, the journey that counts.

unfortunately, society doesnt see it that way
but i cant be bothered already

i admit, the 2 words 'give up' had flashed across my mind quite a couple of times
but i've had people by my side to pull/drag/lug me across this terrane
by giving up now, i'd be a total disappointment to them
that'll be the worst, cause i never even tried.

like i've said, new beginnings.
sometimes changes can be good.
i wanna make this change a good one.

alright. to all muggers mugging for the upcoming exams

加油加油加油！！！

Always there…as promised. J

convolutedpaths @ 2009-08-28T13:17:00

2009-08-28T05:17:12Z

笨